Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Sequel to The Hobbit

Peter Jackson plans to film The Hobbit and a sequel. The sequel will be a stretch, because Tolkien did not actually write a lot of details about what happened between when The Hobbit ended and The Lord of the Rings began.

Here are some of the rumored possibilities:

An Underground River Runs Through It. Gollum goes trout fishing with Smeagol. In the dark. For 90 minutes.

Hobbiton Pie. Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin come of age in this gross-out comedy. Allyson Hannigan wears a curly-haired wig and plays a girl-hobbit, with one of those typical girl-hobbit vegetation names. Like Willow.

When Aragorn Met Arwen. In this romantic comedy a friendship grows over the course of fifty years. At first, Aragorn thinks that males and females can’t really be friends, because sex always gets in the way. Especially telepathic long-distance elf sex. Arwen disagrees. About once a decade, she cries on his shoulder about her breakup with yet another elf that is only mentioned in the appendixes. Arwen’s changing hairstyles signal the passage of time: for example, in the 2970s she wears a feathered Farrah Fawcet flip. Aragorn worries about his mortality. Arwen doesn’t, because of her sunny disposition and the fact that she isn’t actually mortal. Arwen does worry that her biological clock is ticking: she’ll be 3,000 in only a couple of centuries. She fakes an orgasm in the Rivendell feast hall. “I’ll have what she’s having” is translated into Elvish for the big screen, and back into English for the subtitles.

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