Tuesday, October 25, 2011

My Pitches for a Less Stupid Edward de Vere Movie

#1: Edward de Vere wrote the plays attributed to Shakespeare. Also, he's a vampire.

#2: Edward de Vere wrote the plays attributed to Shakespeare as part of an unspeakable Dalek plot to unravel the very fabric of time and space itself if not reversed with much running and exclamations of "Don't you see? Marlowe has had his throat cut! The Christopher Marlowe of our continuum was stabbed above the right eye and died instantly six years ago!" and "Who are you and what have you done with the real Queen Elizabeth?" followed by more running.

5 comments:

Hugh Knight said...

So what is it about the movie that you dislike? I confess I haven't looked very hard at the story, just enough to see it's an alternative history in which de Vere wrote Shakespeare, but the visuals in the trailer looked stunning. I had been looking forward to it, actually.

Will McLean said...

I could work with the idea of the plot as alternate history. What I dislike is the attempt to sell it as the actual history behind the Stratfordian coverup conspiracy.

Anonymous said...

Re: an alternate version of the movie, I think you were on to something with your observation that (in the film's version of history) an Edward de Vere zombie must have written Shakespeare's plays after 1604 since Edward de Vere died in that year. The film should have therefore combined two popular genres: the Historical Nonsense Film genre plus the Zombie Movie genre by showing 17th century England being invaded by thousands of Edward de Vere zombies. We know that zombies never come singly, since they tend to multiply via cloning - as any biologist will tell you, or as you can see in other alternative history documentaries such as "Zombie Apocalypse II". Here's the plotline: a horde of Edward de Vere zombies lays siege to Southampton in January of 1605, prompting Parliament to authorize the mustering of 15,000 troops which are placed under the command of the Earl of Kent. But Kent's attempt to relieve Southampton is crushed on 5 April 1605. A second army is raised and placed under the (former) Earl of Essex, himself a zombie who had been executed by Elizabeth I. Essex slowly beats back the zombie invasion - he understands how zombies think - and finally wins a decisive victory at the battle of Malmesbury on 19 March 1607. I'm not sure why the film left out this important part of English history, especially since it would have included lots of exciting battle scenes, and lots of zombies - a winning combination at the box office. Plus, it wouldn't be quite as silly as the film's actual plotline.
BTW, you'll notice my name is "Anonymous". I wrote Shakespeare's plays myself, not Edward de Vere.

Will McLean said...

It is well known that Shakespeare's plays were written not by Anonymous, but by another man with the same name! So you could have a scene like the one at the end of Spartacus: "I am Anonymous!" "No, I am Anonymous!!" Noooo! I am Anonymous!"

Anonymous said...

You mean there's another man going by the name Anonymous? Is he claiming to have written all of my other works, too, such as "Beowulf" or "Sir Gawain and the Green Knight"? I shall challenge him to a duel!