Saturday, July 15, 2006

Mergers and Acquisitions, October 1307

TemplarCo, Ltd., was the subject of a hostile takover by Oriflamme, Inc., reported sources close to Oriflamme management. They noted that cash-rich TemplarCo became an attractive takeover target after losing its focus on the core mission statement of "slaughtering lots and lots of paynims" and following unwise diversification into demon-worship and ritual sodomy. It was suggested that TemplarCo could again become a viable enterprise after liquidating non-performing assets such as top managament.

Reports of "golden parachutes" for TemplarCo management were clarified when Philip of France, Oriflamme's CEO, explained that they would be "just like lead parachutes, only yellow and shiny. Those guys are going to go down fast and hit the ground hard". The takeover deal is supposed to include a stake in Oriflamme, Inc. for TemplarCo shareholders "probably on the banks of the Seine, and heaped high with faggots."

Outgoing TemplarCo CEO Jacques de Molay said, in a brief statement for public release: "AAAAAAAAAARGGGGGH. NONONONONONO. AAAAAAAARGHHHHHH. NOT THE TONGS! NOT THE TONGS! AAAAAARGH."

Mergers and acquisition specialists predicted increasing use of the "poison pill" takeover defense, noting "if de Molay had had a poison pill handy, it would've been a lot harder to torture a false confession out of the poor sod."

From its beginnings as a small limited stock company on the banks of the Elbe, Oriflamme, Inc, has grown rapidly to its present commanding position, mostly by acquisition.


Anonymous said...

It seems that the Templars had not done enough to identify their primary job function. Such was not the case for Malta, LTD.
-Lord Burk

Retired Tourneyer said...

The "brief statement" from deMolay caused me to spew wine over my manuscript.

Well, it's a forgery anyway, so maybe the stains will add authenticity.