Saturday, June 10, 2006

A Modest Proposal for Establishment of a Worshipful Guild of Vampyres, Nosferatu, and Undead

Insomuch as many false persons have claimed to be or presented themselves as Vampyres, to the great mischief of the realms' true Undead and good and honest Nosferatu, there shall be established by royal license the Guild afforsaid.

And no person may claim to be a vampyre, or walk about with pointie teeth and darke cloakes, save that he or she be admitted to the said Guild.

And before a person may be admitted to the Guild, they shall be be put to public examination.
And first they shall be dropped from a tall tower, to see that they may properly turn themselves into a bat, or cling to the face of the tower like a lizard, as all true vampyres may.

And next they shall be stabbed with a sharp sword, to show that colde steel has no force against them, but only a wooden stake.

And next they shall placed in an iron chest, well hasped and locked, to show that they may seep through the tiniest crack or intersice like unto a mist or fog. and that they may have leisure to make a proper attempt they shall be allowed to remain in the chest or box for a time not under the space of three hours.

And when they have properly acquited themselves in all these trials they shall be judged worthy to enter the aforesaid Guild, and then they shall do their Vigil. And they shall be placed in a closed coffin with dirt heaped upon it from sunrise to sundown, that their vigil may be properly accomplished.

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